Now There's Even More to Hate About Job Interviews

I really don't like situations where I have to come up with something on the spot. I don't like doing improv. I don't like any kind of role-playing.

Take this blog for instance. I spend a ridiculous amount of time on each post trying to give it a spontaneous and off-the-cuff air. I like to have time. I need to be prepared.

I had an interview last week at an assisted living facility to work with seniors who have Alzheimer's and dementia. As part of the interview, I was handed a piece of paper and asked to "take a minute" and compose a letter to the daughter of an imaginary resident ("Mrs. Smith"). The letter was to tell the daughter about what her mother did for Mother's Day.

This must just be to see if I can write coherent sentences, I thought.

"Spelling and grammar doesn't matter," the interviewer said. "We're not looking to see if you can write well."

Well then what the hell are you looking for, I wanted to ask her in an angry voice, but didn't.

Can I go home and brainstorm and come back tomorrow with ten different styles of letters, I wanted to ask her, but didn't.

Dear Daughter of Mrs. Smith,

Your mother spent Mother's Day wondering where you were. It seems like if you were ever going to visit her, Mother's Day would be the day to do it. Not to worry. She won't remember who you are much longer. Abandoned by her children, she no longer has a tether to her life as she knew it - her mind is slipping further and further every day.
At Mrs. Smith's request, I won't be writing you about her daily activities anymore. She considers it an invasion of her privacy.

Sincerely,
Dan, star employee

I think I actually wrote that she had pancakes and sat outside for a while.

Here's another one. Yesterday I interviewed at Bubba Gump, the restaurant chain based on the movie Forrest Gump. It's a great location right on the beach.

It was a group interview, me and two girls. The interview was very short and then we were asked to "take 5 minutes" and come up with a commercial telling people why Bubba Gump is the best place to work.

I swear I almost shot myself. Here's what we came up with. (You have to picture us doing this in the middle of the crowded restaurant with enormous smiles and Vanna White hand gestures.)

GIRL #1

Good food! Good friends! Good fun!

GIRL #2
At Bubba Gump, it's not only a party in your mouth, but a party at your table!

ME
Where going to work is a day at the beach!

GIRL #1
Mama always told me, Life is like a box of chocolates... and this is the piece I chose!

ALL THREE
Run Forrest, Run... to work at Bubba Gump!

The interviewer said we were the best group he had seen.