Wednesday, June 22, 2011

And I Don't Have to Take It

You haven't heard from me in a while because I started my shiny new job a couple weeks ago and I've been adjusting to the change in my schedule. For example, I just realized that when I have a day off I still need to do things. It's not a good idea to sit on the couch all day watching Cheers.

Let me be perfectly clear. Of course watching Cheers is an important part of everyone's day. But you'll find you have a lot more time if you limit yourself to under 6 episodes a day. These are the tips you come here for.

So I started my new job as an Activities Assistant at an Assisted Living facility. I play games with old people. All day. And then I get money. It's seriously the best job. You need to get this job.

I work with a group of residents with minor cognitive impairments, seniors in the early stages of Alzheimer's and dementia. And they're the best. They're pretty much the best friends I've made since moving to L.A.

But one of them is sexually harassing me. Let's call her "Marie".

It started off innocently enough. Marie would tell me I'm handsome or ask if I have a girlfriend. (She doesn't remember asking, so she asks me over and over up to 20 times a day.)

Then she started telling me, "If I were younger, I'd marry you." Which is adorable, of course.

"Marie, you have a husband," I say.

"Oh, that doesn't matter!" She tells me.

But the day she grabbed my ass I knew we were in trouble. And let me be clear - this was no accidental brush or affectionate pat. We're talking a full-handed squeeze. In the crowded dining room.

"Whoa! Let's keep our hands to ourselves," I said, kidding-but-not-kidding.

Just about every interaction I have with her is colored by this unwanted flirtation. And some of the other residents are even more annoyed by it than I am.

The other day, one of the residents was coloring a picture. She noticed me watching her.

"Do you want to color one of these with us?" she asked me.

"No thanks. I don't feel like coloring."

"Well I don't know what to offer you then."

From the other end of the table, Marie chimes in, "You could offer him love."

A third woman who had had enough wheeled around on Marie -- "Will. You. Shut. UP?!"

This was probably the worst though. One day I had to take Marie out of her exercise class for a minute. On our way out the door, Marie turns and proudly announces to the class, "He's taking me to have sex with him." She says this in front of other residents, the class instructor, my coworkers...

So yeah, I'm probably going to have a sexual abuse investigation brought against me. In my third week at the job.

When we got out of the classroom I asked her, "Is that all you ever think about, Marie?"

Without missing a beat, she raised one eyebrow at me and said, "Don't you think about it?"

Monday, June 6, 2011

Post Post: What Is This Junk?

I'm trying out a new feature for the blog. Post Posts are blog posts about things I get in the mail.

I get lots of mail now that I'm a popular blogger with 11 followers (oh yes). Let's look at some of the fan mail I've received this week.

Roommate and I have been talking about ways to make friends in our new neighborhood. One idea we had was that someone in our building should throw raucous parties and invite us as a courtesy and so that we don't get mad and call the cops. And then when we go to the party, we'll charm everyone with our winning personalities.

Unfortunately, we have no control over this scheme, and nobody in the building is stepping up.

We had just about given up on this plan, when we received this exclusive invite in the mail:

That's right. Our whole city is having a raucous party. Presumably we were only invited so that we wouldn't get mad when they close all our streets and public properties.

I also recently received this packet of coupons:

As we all know, getting coupons is exactly the same as getting a wad of cash in your mailbox. So I'm a billionaire.

As an added bonus, Money Mailer included some money-saving tips:

Suze Orman better watch her back.